stuck in a rut

it has been harder than expected to find some inspiration in this city. i try to save money while exploring my new city, but it is hard. in college i would hop on a train, a plane or bus and just say 'see ya later' and be in chicago or new york or philadelphia, alone and without a plan. but happy.

i went to do my laundry 4 miles away from my house when there's a laundromat around the corner. i want to see all the things here and try to find the things i miss... here, but it has been hard. i've seen friends living in this city once since i moved here and it's now it's really starting to sink in how much my absence has affected friendships that were once strong. it's hard to make friends when there's nothing to propel me out of this stillness, this rut. i need to join a club or do something to get out of this antisocial rut. the people i thought would be supporting me in this city- aren't and i haven't had the push i need to be out there in the city.

a part of me feels really empowered to be in a city by myself, like i used to be. it's like starting over and i love starting over, but a part of me is as unhappy as ever. i haven't had the chance to settle into my new house due to the flea problem and i'm stuck in my room making lists of what i want to do and trying to check it off. for example. here is what i have planned on my day off:

wake up and make falafels
vaccuum the entire house
go to sno beach on 34th & guad because i have been craving sno cones since i left san antonio
go take a peak into Sugar Mama's Bakery (cuz i love bakeries..in NYC I had one maybe 6 blocks away that had the best pistachio cupcakes)
go grocery shopping in a grocery farther from my house so i have an excuse to look around

i've found little neighborhoods and areas that i like and i found my first shortcut ever! working drains me and i usually cop out at the end of work and come straight home and be a bum. i am nothing like the person my roommates interviewed. trying to work on that on my days off but i feel like this city is meant to be explored with friends. the reason why i love crammed cities like cambridge and nyc is because there are always so many people walking around and bumping into you, that you don't feel alone even if you are. here, being alone, sitting alone, eating alone becomes more apparent than ever.

this is the end of emo mai.